This week

It’s been a hell of a week.

I was offered a part time job this week. This was good even though the organization is unorganized, makes things more difficult, and gave me more anxiety this week.

I gave my self one free day on Wednesday. I spent it reflecting, and gosh I was surprised at how much came through out of that. Writing a message to my friends in the upcoming days. I spent some time cleaning up old items which was a great feeling too.

Then yesterday, supposedly a pretty relaxed schedule, my last day of volunteering before I start the gig. Well, lets just say my anxiety was activated. Due to what – I’m not sure. The environment of the Zoom room, the person I was working with or their vibe? Maybe that set me off but that snowballed into a very stressful afternoon and resulted in a painful back. I can recall a moment in the midst of this work, my breathing had become dysfunctional. Even my meditations were fruitless, hard to concentrate, due to unrelenting thoughts and stress I had gone through in the day. After dinner, something dawned on me. The possibility that that my back pain was caused by stress? Something I’m looking into but a provocative thought at the least.

Bringing me to this morning, where I woke up earlier than I have in last 6 months now: at 6:30. Now, a few hours later, now that I’ve got my morning routine in, let’s see what else today brings.

Receiving an offer

Yesterday, the organization that I work with offered me a part-time role. Although I didn’t show it much on the outside, I was ecstatic about it on the inside. Finally, things seemed to be looking up. Progress after a long journey since leaving my workplace last year.

I remember just months after I left my workplace, I started volunteering with Salvation Army downtown. It was just once a week and the hours weren’t much. I kept this up til the pandemic hit. Shortly after settling back home, I looked for other opportunities. Since I started this role about 2.5 months ago, I’ve been putting in about 10 hours a week. Now the next challenge is ahead of me. I’m expected to put in 20 hours a week. My hope is that I can do a good job here, meanwhile keep improving my health and posture. Hence preparing me for the roles I’ve been dreaming about the last year or so.

The Devil (and me) post#2

Okay. The last couple hours were tough on my mind. I couldn’t really stop thinking about telling Dad about his appointment. I had postponed it the whole day already, due to my perception of him being in a bad mood, and his comments earlier about my dishes.

So he came down at one point while I was making my next day sandwiches. And I just bursted it out. I guess I wanted to release it that bad. At least out of my own mind and transfer over the burden to him, in a way. So it came out. He didn’t have a bad tone surprisingly, he kinda just said “wha’?” so I repeated the appointment to him and showed him the date on the calendar. There, it was out. It was a relieving moment.

So maybe I overworried. Sometimes I know I shouldn’t be giving time to thoughts surrounding him. It’s hard to stop though. The simplest communications with him, I’m apparently traumatized from, and it sometimes keeps me thinking in circles.

The Devil post#1

So what happened. I was having lunch. Dad had an egg on the stovetop and he stepped away for a minute. I noticed it was burning, so I thought, figured the right thing to do was prevent the egg from burning. So I moved that pan off the stovetop. When he came back upstairs, I told him, I’d moved his egg. He immediately retaliated with “well why didn’t you turn off the stove then?” You know, with his slightly raised tone. I decided not to answer, hoping he would come to see where he was wrong.

This was what I was thinking. I just saved your egg from burning, possibly the pan too, and that’s all you say? Furthermore, how do I know what he wants to do? Maybe he needs to continue cooking the egg, flip it on the other side, or maybe there was something else after the egg, I don’t know? I thought he would return soon and switch the stove on/off accordingly to what he needed to do next.

It should be obvious now that communication with this individual does not come easy. I choose when and when not to speak, hope to de-escalate the situations as much as possible. Because when something happens, who gets blamed on? He’s the type of person to yell at you when he thinks its your fault, and say nothing when its determined its his fault.

When conversations fail

Ever try to have a conversation with someone and all you hear is that person stepping over your voice? Or giving you a bucket list of items to do? I should pre-face this that this person is a relative of mine, and I’m sure she’s good-intentioned. Guiding me through out my unemployment and job search, however this is where one’s communication technique sometimes fails.

I have to admit 10 minutes before we dropped the line, I had pretty much stopped listening already. There was too much information: Information Overload! I’ve experienced this with the individual before, but I need to get better at stopping the individual.

Halfway through the conversation I wondered.. do I speak this way to others? I’m not the best, most coherent speaker, I realized, but I hope I don’t not listen to others and just keep feeding them with whatever is coming around to my head. I guess I was pissed that this person could not read the situation carefully to see that I was disinterested and couldn’t absorb any more information.

Workshop

Today marked a cool and rewarding experience for me. Firstly it was rewarding because after hearing just one week ago, being invited to do my first Workshop, I have accomplished it! The fruits of my labor, stress, and pain over the last week have paid off. I was really anxious because it was my first time doing something like this, although I tried to make it seem that not way 🙂 Presenting and facilitating a workshop for a group of learners through Zoom.

It was cool because I guess its the first time I had to sign a Independent Contractor agreement, issue an invoice, and be fully in charge of the content with many levels of freedom. It was empowering. Although I realize events and opportunities like this come far and few between, I now see how the opportunity can arise and possibly keep an eye for them in the future.

Overall, I feel relieved that its over. Having got some feedback from the participants, and co-hosts. I can’t complain, most of it worked in my favour.

Doubt

I still have feelings and thoughts of doubt. Will I be happy again? Will I be able to be able to be the best version of my self? Living with confidence and daringly?

When I compare the old version of my self vs the new me (post 2017) there’s like a distinct difference. But I don’t know how to describe it. I was more naiive then, my goals were all around maximizing fun and opportunities. Nowadays I’m much more wary. Caring for my health, physically and mentally. Is the top of my mind.

I should treat it as growth though. Whatever I’ve learned through this period, what’s made me sad, what gives me sad feelings, I should take that and move forward. I’ve been through the good and the bad. And I can say that the good wasn’t always as it seemed. There were dark moments within those periods that only I knew about, random panic and anxiety attacks. Nowadays I’m much more aware of mental or physical stresses.

Reconnecting

Thinking in this way allows me to imagine the possibility. What if I used this time to work out my relationships, consider who I want in my circle. People I want to connect with on a weekly, monthly, yearly basis. Nevermind that I’ve buried them and passed on reaching out all these years, but focusing on the possibility of re-connecting.

Collaboration

It’s Sunday, we’re making dinner together. Somehow I find myself in these unpleasant, awkward situations. Firstly, I get internally frustrated from their discussions about each step in the recipe. In my head, I’m thinking “just get on with it”, but for politeness sake and fear of making a deal out of it, I don’t say anything. This continues throughout the recipe. Til the point that I’m tired and disengaged. I stayed until the meal was cooked, then headed off to my room and meditated before eating my meal. Feeling frustrated still and somewhat sorry for myself.

Expression thru Singing, Dancing

What is expression? Expression can come in a physical, emotional, or verbal form. It came to my attention recently as I gave a try to new activities (singing and dancing). They are therapeutic; I’ve found that my forms of expression are so stress relieving at the same time.

It started with me starting singing earlier this year. Like sorta karaoke but without the mic and streaming Youtube music videos with lyrics in the background. I felt I was putting my whole self into it, even though I was essentially singing in a room to myself. I get so into it that I lose track of the time and for that moment I am present. Afterwards, it feels like I’ve emptied out all the built up emotions from the week, and I can start on a blank slate again. That’s why I usually scheduled singing for an activity at the end of the week.

Recently I decided to give myself some space, play some music, see how I’d react to it. I’ve only had a few sessions so far, but I’m starting to find this as a another form of my expression – through dance. I’m not going to claim I can dance, but just that the music and the space with a mirror in front me gives me a canvas to express myself and be free for that hour. Once again, time flies by especially if the right tracks are played. Some tracks will just you in the mood, ya know?