Where’s my head at?

Shout out Ben Gordon.

Life has been crazy. I’ll tell you that. It used to be crazy in a good way. Like crazy busy and crazy fun. Man but the last few years have been a 180 degree flip from that old life, I tell you. But it’s also been necessary. The fight I have to think positively, heal the traumas I’ve encountered, it’s all been part of a process. A process I never would have imagined years back. But I have to adapt, think like this now.

Hey, sure those things happened. I hid it away. But I’m opening up to them now. Like I’m saying to depression and mental illness, I’m making the shots here, not other voices in my head or the doubts. I need to do this for myself. As I’ve seen with my own eyes, there are others who looked up to me, who see something in me. I can’t let them down. I’m willing to open up the truth.

So yesterday I went through that breakdown. I thought I had unpacked everything but it turns out I had more memories and traumas to reveal. Woke up in the dead of the night to write down thoughts. Bringing me to this point.

I told myself I was going to recover. I was going to find new paths, climb my way back into a job, climb my way back into living a life I want, having a voice and being heard, standing up for myself, treating my self with love and compassion, organizing things in my life including pet projects.

January 3rd, 2021

Yesterday, I was going through some mental setbacks. But the end of the day hit me from a different angle. I got news that my dear Auntie Chie. She was sent to palliative care.
She meant so much to me. I treasured many memories of her.
I want to talk to her one last time, but I also realize that this may be difficult to achieve now. She’s in palliative care, which means the care workers will be focused on sustaining her quality of life, not her length of life or curing her illness.
When I think of her, I think of the joyful times we had together. And what she would have wanted for me. Definitely for me to take care of my mental health and live happily.

2020: Year in Review

A year ago, I was 3 months fresh from leaving my job. Not desperate for a job yet, but more concerned about my back recovery. It was hard to be optimistic, nagged down by my injury, the frustrating healing process, and overall it was hard to enjoy life.

This wasn’t an easy year. Not for any one. But I felt it especially. Breaking off with friends, coming back home and reconciling with family. There were lots of pains along the way. The pain of feeling disconnected with family AND friends. The pain felt through mistreatment, changing family dynamics. The pain of being jobless for over a year.

Now, we are at the end of another year: 2020. I’ve confessed, opened up about my depression, had honest conversations, began regaining my voice, regained some strength mentally and physically. I’m ready to ring out the old year and bring in the new year with optimism and strength.

What led me here?

seeing my cousins
things didn’t seem normal
my communication was throwing them off
we couldn’t connect
then thinking about my mental health
i was in a relaxed environment yet..
struggling to relax
something was wrong
i thought, what if i gave in to that inner voice?
that one that says,
this is what i’m thinking motherfucker.
well, that might be your approach,
but this is mine.
you know what
fuck the drinks,
i need to do this for myself

Losing your voice

losing your voice
we’ve always been here
having others tell you no, you’re wrong
having less people encourage me
loss of support is different than no support.
you start to think that loss was something you did wrong,
doubt yourself
treat little things as everything
change the way i communicate
i would say one thing one minute and
another the next
let others change my mind or “let it go”
well “letting it go” is not serving me
in sticking with my decision

Being thankful

I had a moment today, where I thought. I’m not where I wanna be. …But on the other hand, there’s a lot that could be worse.

Health: I haven’t been diagnosed any new sicknesses. My body feels better than it did a year ago.
Relationships: I have my siblings to lean on and recently a lot of contacts reached out to send care.
Work: my part time is not ideal, lots of bumpy rides this week, but at the end of the day I have the option to leave.
NBA returning..!

VV’s continued…

VV”s continues to fail to surprise me. Since Friday, it seems things have been left uncommunicated, unsaid. That was the last time I was in. I took the day off yesterday.
It’s becoming clearer what a mess of an organization this is. How could V, the founder, leave the organization like this? It’s incredible the amount of responsibility she expects of you, and at the same time holds no accountability for herself. You know, I’m the type of worker that tries to be honest, maybe too honest. So I say what I do, and admit what I don’t, but working with a person such as her, she takes you for granted, and makes you stressed every opportunity she can. Or gets you to do something for her.
I feel its time to take a different approach. For one, care for my mental health and stress activity before anything else.

V’s announcement

Going into my shift this morning, I felt pretty optimistic. It’s Friday. As a team we took a lot from V this week (and overall so far). So I was thinking okay, I’m gonna be organized, on my shit, at least for today, giving me the weekend to rest it off. That way I can look forward to a break and decompress this weekend.

Well, none of that happened according to plan, with V giving us a total curve ball before noon. She announced that grants from funding organizations haven’t been granted, therefore all work going forward would have to be on a voluntary basis. Starting next shift. This hit 4-5 of us virtually then and there. It didn’t stop there. After V left, the rest of the day was filled with complaints, ranting, not being able to get over the news everyone just received so matter-of-factly. It didn’t help that V left soon after her announcement. From what I saw, there was no work done for the rest of the day. I tried to put myself in a mindset I’d think about the impacts later, but, admittedly, it was hard to continue working when the team was in shambles.

The effect of coffee

I had a coffee late in the afternoon today. But I find that days that I have a coffee, I’m filled with possibility and not worrying much. It’s a great feeling. On the other hand, some days I don’t have a coffee, they are hard to get by. During those hours I’m not working or getting through a workout when my mental isn’t feeling too great. Is my outlook solely due to the coffee?
I’m currently on a coffee schedule – once in the week and once on the weekend (personal reasons), but I’d be open to changing it depending on the answer to the question above. I should continue to monitor the effect of coffee on my attitude and general feelings.

Motivation

Nowadays I find it hard to draw motivation. I don’t know when this started to happen. Probably ever since I had that first bout of depression? I never used to have trouble with motivation. I used to have that hard mentality, nothing could stop me. At the gym, with what I wanted to achieve.
Somehow I lost focus of those motivations. I started focusing on worries rather than focusing on my goals. But surely I can turn it around? The worries need to stop, anxiety needs to stop. I need to keep a track of my mental health, that’s most important.
On the other hand, what were those sources of motivation? Can I still draw from them?