Yesterday, I was going through some mental setbacks. But the end of the day hit me from a different angle. I got news that my dear Auntie Chie. She was sent to palliative care.
She meant so much to me. I treasured many memories of her.
I want to talk to her one last time, but I also realize that this may be difficult to achieve now. She’s in palliative care, which means the care workers will be focused on sustaining her quality of life, not her length of life or curing her illness.
When I think of her, I think of the joyful times we had together. And what she would have wanted for me. Definitely for me to take care of my mental health and live happily.
Thinking in this way allows me to imagine the possibility. What if I used this time to work out my relationships, consider who I want in my circle. People I want to connect with on a weekly, monthly, yearly basis. Nevermind that I’ve buried them and passed on reaching out all these years, but focusing on the possibility of re-connecting.
It’s Sunday, we’re making dinner together. Somehow I find myself in these unpleasant, awkward situations. Firstly, I get internally frustrated from their discussions about each step in the recipe. In my head, I’m thinking “just get on with it”, but for politeness sake and fear of making a deal out of it, I don’t say anything. This continues throughout the recipe. Til the point that I’m tired and disengaged. I stayed until the meal was cooked, then headed off to my room and meditated before eating my meal. Feeling frustrated still and somewhat sorry for myself.
Lately I have not been as confident. Maybe it is the negative thoughts, maybe it’s the lack of feedback on my job search, lack of adrenaline via workouts. I’ve noticed my self using more ums and ahs when communicating, feeling like I need to defend myself. All in all, it has brought my morale and confidence down. So I want to take a moment to reflect on this last year.
In 1 year, I:
- Built a relationship with my brother
- Mended with father, and am in stable terms with him
- Collected EI
- Revisited tutoring as a hobby/job
- Worked in various volunteer positions
- Listened to my body – took a break mentally and physically
- Improved my back pain situation, although this is ongoing
- Used meditation for reflection and awareness
Last night, going to bed I planned today as such: use the morning to check out the Virtual job fair, have a lunch, and in the afternoon continue with VV’s shift. Even though that is somewhat what happened, it also wasn’t at the same time. I was never into it, not with my heart. I felt distracted, purposeless, feelings that the work I was doing wasn’t contributing to anything.
Why did I feel this way? Maybe it starts with the lack of calls, responses I’ve been getting over this last year in regards to my resume. It’s been over a year now that I haven’t worked so that milestone is really scary now. I joined the networking session but there were so many things going on (the chatrooms, finding the right posting, etc) that I ran out of effort and time. Then finally with VV’s, there’s the usual disorganization but what hit me hard today was the lack of meaningful work. I’ve been calling organizations since last week. When I reach an attendant, I get the feel they’re not interested. And when I don’t reach someone thats equally as discouraging. However I’m in a situation with the organization, I’m unsure how they’d react to it if I asked them for other work.
But here’s the thing. I trust in my learning capabilities. I see the trends and make adjustments. Therefore, if VV’s Volunteer isn’t really working for me, then don’t worry! I’ll find a part time job that works.
And tomorrow’s agenda? Enjoy the Job Fair and look into BVM application.
I think about the old days when I had a job near my stay in Toronto. I was confused in life, but I still had fun with my roommates. There were tough times for sure. It seems like when ever I do a reflection, I remember a very positive experience, but in reality it was tough too. Is this a method of depression? Making the history more positive than it is and comparing with my current state? That’s pretty messed up but if so I have been probably doing this for a long time.
Randomly, I’ll think about a past time, about all those good memories (some were really good memories). But still. I have to find a way of using it rather than let it make me feel worse. After all it’s my past. I’ve had those good times. I should be able to have them again.
Doubt creeps in, insecurity. And I wonder when will I pull myself out of this funk, once and for all? I start to look back into my past, and find areas to blame myself. What I could have done better here, in this situation or that. There was a time for that. But now its past. Surely there’s no point in revisiting it? Days like today, it is dark and mucky outside. Soggy and mucky outside, and dark by dinner.
Another possible reality is that there is no end to doubt. Is doubt something one can conquer and defeat for rest of one’s entire life? Or is it something that we just get better at controlling? I can meditate and reflect on my feelings of doubt. Accept it, and move on intentionally.
That’s what I can come up with for now.
What were my sources of depression today? A relative of mine, I hadn’t seen her in a few months. And she continually mentions things like I look skinny, should change my haircut, should eat more. Just a bunch of things I was not ready to hear. After all I was coming to visit her. I expected some good feedback. I guess that really put a damper on things.
I’ve been having outburst of emotions lately, and I haven’t really had a place to hold them all. So I thought to come back here. I haven’t used you in a while, WordPress, but I hope this time you’ll work. There are times when I feel like I have no one to vent to.
I have “close” friends but they’re distant now whether its have relocated or due to the virus, its hard to see each other.
I started out with the tutoring session this morning. We went through the lesson with not too many hiccups. We were working on percentage problems. She struggled somewhat but that’s natural. Then towards the end of the meeting is when it all changed. She asked me about getting the worksheets that we worked on, so I sent her what we worked on today. But she didn’t stop there. She asked for the historical ones too. Note: we navigated finding some of these worksheets in class, so naturally I did not save everything we navigated through. Knowing this, she continued to raise her voice and demand that I send her the sheets we worked on in the past, as if she couldn’t continue her day without it. She continued to insult me, saying she has been a teacher, teachers should be more organized, Jessa was not like this, she is going to forget everything she learned. This all came after the lesson. I tried to provide what I could find. Still, I think she really felt the need to vent. Although this was really putting a damp on my day, I took a deep breath and apologized for how she felt. I ended the meeting shortly after.
After lunch I had a shift with VV’s. Although I’m appreciative of the opportunity the org has given me, I find that there are many challenges (even as a volunteer worker).
- the Director comes in, unannounced, nicely, she asks us what we’re working on. Usually further interrogation follows
- I do not always have things to do
- this is worst when there is a group chat that I don’t need to be involved in, but I listen in for lack of anything better to do
- I can brainstorm activities (such as outreach)
- working with supervisor. He gives the feels of a micro-manager
- I have yet to do what I thought I signed up for which is receiving customers’ calls and dispatching drivers
- I can get to know others better
- I can work in this department.
- For one I can treat this volunteer gig as an experiment. Say how I really feel (with professionalism)
Archive – Rejection letters
Kobe Bean Bryant
- Noodle soup
- Hot Creamy Soup
Progress in this course (100%)
10 out of 10
Progress in the Specialization Capstone (20%)
2 out of 10
Progress in life goals
4 out of 10
More About Me
My childhood was great. Memories of the playground, pizza,
tradings cards, and getting spoiled by my relatives.
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