What I’m thankful for this thanksgiving:
This morning, I was motivated in having a “free day”, to fill some job applications, to discover on social media. However, with my To-do list ahead of me, I felt flustered by noon. I started the To-do list several days prior, and it was adding up to be pretty long. I wasn’t sure which one to prioritize, start first, or leave for next week. Moments like these it really helps to breathe, because when I’m flustered, that’s the one thing I need. To breathe and relax for a moment. It helped that I went for lunch. Came back with a new mindset. I did get thrown off again in the afternoon, but I had the awareness to take another break and I went for a lemon tea this time. As I blow down into my mug, I feel the reflection of the hot air meet my eyes. It’s very refreshing and eye-opening. Literally and figuratively.
In the end, I was able to complete everything I needed ahead of time.
In addition to my back pain, I’ve been straining forward more in the neck lately.
Lately I have not been as confident. Maybe it is the negative thoughts, maybe it’s the lack of feedback on my job search, lack of adrenaline via workouts. I’ve noticed my self using more ums and ahs when communicating, feeling like I need to defend myself. All in all, it has brought my morale and confidence down. So I want to take a moment to reflect on this last year.
In 1 year, I:
Last night, going to bed I planned today as such: use the morning to check out the Virtual job fair, have a lunch, and in the afternoon continue with VV’s shift. Even though that is somewhat what happened, it also wasn’t at the same time. I was never into it, not with my heart. I felt distracted, purposeless, feelings that the work I was doing wasn’t contributing to anything.
Why did I feel this way? Maybe it starts with the lack of calls, responses I’ve been getting over this last year in regards to my resume. It’s been over a year now that I haven’t worked so that milestone is really scary now. I joined the networking session but there were so many things going on (the chatrooms, finding the right posting, etc) that I ran out of effort and time. Then finally with VV’s, there’s the usual disorganization but what hit me hard today was the lack of meaningful work. I’ve been calling organizations since last week. When I reach an attendant, I get the feel they’re not interested. And when I don’t reach someone thats equally as discouraging. However I’m in a situation with the organization, I’m unsure how they’d react to it if I asked them for other work.
But here’s the thing. I trust in my learning capabilities. I see the trends and make adjustments. Therefore, if VV’s Volunteer isn’t really working for me, then don’t worry! I’ll find a part time job that works.
And tomorrow’s agenda? Enjoy the Job Fair and look into BVM application.
I think about the old days when I had a job near my stay in Toronto. I was confused in life, but I still had fun with my roommates. There were tough times for sure. It seems like when ever I do a reflection, I remember a very positive experience, but in reality it was tough too. Is this a method of depression? Making the history more positive than it is and comparing with my current state? That’s pretty messed up but if so I have been probably doing this for a long time.
Randomly, I’ll think about a past time, about all those good memories (some were really good memories). But still. I have to find a way of using it rather than let it make me feel worse. After all it’s my past. I’ve had those good times. I should be able to have them again.
Doubt creeps in, insecurity. And I wonder when will I pull myself out of this funk, once and for all? I start to look back into my past, and find areas to blame myself. What I could have done better here, in this situation or that. There was a time for that. But now its past. Surely there’s no point in revisiting it? Days like today, it is dark and mucky outside. Soggy and mucky outside, and dark by dinner.
Another possible reality is that there is no end to doubt. Is doubt something one can conquer and defeat for rest of one’s entire life? Or is it something that we just get better at controlling? I can meditate and reflect on my feelings of doubt. Accept it, and move on intentionally.
That’s what I can come up with for now.
What were my sources of depression today? A relative of mine, I hadn’t seen her in a few months. And she continually mentions things like I look skinny, should change my haircut, should eat more. Just a bunch of things I was not ready to hear. After all I was coming to visit her. I expected some good feedback. I guess that really put a damper on things.
This post mainly regards my work at VV’s. I feel unappreciated. Like first of all I’m a volunteer. And I feel like the organization just runs itself very top down. If I’m higher tier than you, my voice rules yours. Today I shared that I had reached out to the person I was in contact with. Then Veronica comes in and directs me to email everyone on that list, that they had discussed this, etc. Simply an instruction.
Another thing I have to get better at is tolerating others’ conversations. I feel like if they haven’t engaged me directly then its painstakingly hard to listen to conversations sometimes.
Another thing that pisses me off is how when I go off to do some work, Max feels the need to text me to come back. Or check up on me. Do I need to establish communication rules or boundaries? When he does this, it means I should drop the work I’m doing, and often come back to listen to something that is usually a waste of time or non-relevant for me.
One positive out of today is that I remembered a project status tool I encountered at work a few years back. Now I think I’ll use it to track my personal progress and feelings towards the organization. To manage that aspect. This way I can see if the things/areas bothering me are getting better/continue to piss me off/etc.
I’ve been having outburst of emotions lately, and I haven’t really had a place to hold them all. So I thought to come back here. I haven’t used you in a while, WordPress, but I hope this time you’ll work. There are times when I feel like I have no one to vent to.
I have “close” friends but they’re distant now whether its have relocated or due to the virus, its hard to see each other.
I started out with the tutoring session this morning. We went through the lesson with not too many hiccups. We were working on percentage problems. She struggled somewhat but that’s natural. Then towards the end of the meeting is when it all changed. She asked me about getting the worksheets that we worked on, so I sent her what we worked on today. But she didn’t stop there. She asked for the historical ones too. Note: we navigated finding some of these worksheets in class, so naturally I did not save everything we navigated through. Knowing this, she continued to raise her voice and demand that I send her the sheets we worked on in the past, as if she couldn’t continue her day without it. She continued to insult me, saying she has been a teacher, teachers should be more organized, Jessa was not like this, she is going to forget everything she learned. This all came after the lesson. I tried to provide what I could find. Still, I think she really felt the need to vent. Although this was really putting a damp on my day, I took a deep breath and apologized for how she felt. I ended the meeting shortly after.
After lunch I had a shift with VV’s. Although I’m appreciative of the opportunity the org has given me, I find that there are many challenges (even as a volunteer worker).
I loved this article from LIFEHACK and wanted to share it with you. During this crisis, it has been too easy to fall into rabbit holes of self-deprecation and insecurity and to spend too much time comparing ourselves to others on social media. STOP and take a minute to read this and develop these practices […]
5 Simple Ways to Be Happy with Yourself —
Before the most recent black movement protests and killings of black people, I wasn’t aware. I didn’t realize how disadvantaged and exploited the black experience is. As an Asian male, I thought: “I know racism exists in the society, but that applies to all races and ethnicities, like my own.”
One thing I learned recently is how black men are scared of getting stopped by the police. And sometimes the only thing they want out of the situation is to “get out alive”. As a driver, after being pulled over by police, I never had to worry about “getting out alive”. It just seems an absurd idea, I didn’t believe it ’til I heard it the 3rd or 4th time, being described so vividly.
We hear about these experiences and then extrapolate them to situations we’ve witnessed, where a black person has been mishandled. The most infamous, recent example is George Floyd. The fact that the officers caught on video were so unapologetic, forceful in their actions was showing in itself. We have no choice but to accept the stories of the black people speaking out and to listen to their stories.
Below are a few podcast references that have helped shape my view. It’s not a complete list but it covers most bases.
bits of CD 