V’s announcement

Going into my shift this morning, I felt pretty optimistic. It’s Friday. As a team we took a lot from V this week (and overall so far). So I was thinking okay, I’m gonna be organized, on my shit, at least for today, giving me the weekend to rest it off. That way I can look forward to a break and decompress this weekend.

Well, none of that happened according to plan, with V giving us a total curve ball before noon. She announced that grants from funding organizations haven’t been granted, therefore all work going forward would have to be on a voluntary basis. Starting next shift. This hit 4-5 of us virtually then and there. It didn’t stop there. After V left, the rest of the day was filled with complaints, ranting, not being able to get over the news everyone just received so matter-of-factly. It didn’t help that V left soon after her announcement. From what I saw, there was no work done for the rest of the day. I tried to put myself in a mindset I’d think about the impacts later, but, admittedly, it was hard to continue working when the team was in shambles.

The effect of coffee

I had a coffee late in the afternoon today. But I find that days that I have a coffee, I’m filled with possibility and not worrying much. It’s a great feeling. On the other hand, some days I don’t have a coffee, they are hard to get by. During those hours I’m not working or getting through a workout when my mental isn’t feeling too great. Is my outlook solely due to the coffee?
I’m currently on a coffee schedule – once in the week and once on the weekend (personal reasons), but I’d be open to changing it depending on the answer to the question above. I should continue to monitor the effect of coffee on my attitude and general feelings.

Workshop

Today marked a cool and rewarding experience for me. Firstly it was rewarding because after hearing just one week ago, being invited to do my first Workshop, I have accomplished it! The fruits of my labor, stress, and pain over the last week have paid off. I was really anxious because it was my first time doing something like this, although I tried to make it seem that not way 🙂 Presenting and facilitating a workshop for a group of learners through Zoom.

It was cool because I guess its the first time I had to sign a Independent Contractor agreement, issue an invoice, and be fully in charge of the content with many levels of freedom. It was empowering. Although I realize events and opportunities like this come far and few between, I now see how the opportunity can arise and possibly keep an eye for them in the future.

Overall, I feel relieved that its over. Having got some feedback from the participants, and co-hosts. I can’t complain, most of it worked in my favour.

Expression thru Singing, Dancing

What is expression? Expression can come in a physical, emotional, or verbal form. It came to my attention recently as I gave a try to new activities (singing and dancing). They are therapeutic; I’ve found that my forms of expression are so stress relieving at the same time.

It started with me starting singing earlier this year. Like sorta karaoke but without the mic and streaming Youtube music videos with lyrics in the background. I felt I was putting my whole self into it, even though I was essentially singing in a room to myself. I get so into it that I lose track of the time and for that moment I am present. Afterwards, it feels like I’ve emptied out all the built up emotions from the week, and I can start on a blank slate again. That’s why I usually scheduled singing for an activity at the end of the week.

Recently I decided to give myself some space, play some music, see how I’d react to it. I’ve only had a few sessions so far, but I’m starting to find this as a another form of my expression – through dance. I’m not going to claim I can dance, but just that the music and the space with a mirror in front me gives me a canvas to express myself and be free for that hour. Once again, time flies by especially if the right tracks are played. Some tracks will just you in the mood, ya know?

Running away from myself

I was listening to a podcast the other day. I listened and realized deep parallels from my own experience. Let me take you back. This was during my university days. Reflecting back, I was embodying someone who I really wasn’t. And to make up for those times, I drank. When I drank I felt the calmness and that I could do anything. Without it, I was an act at most. Although I never thought of myself having a dependency on alcohol, it’s evident looking back. The various reasons I came up with – to drink. When friends were around, on a Saturday night. Soon after, I could find myself in a panic attack, having my heart race but having no idea why.

The answer, as Kunal explains in this podcast, is to look within yourself. That’s where the answer lies: Why am I panicking? What if I chose to abstain for one night – how would I react?

Podcast: ‘On Purpose’ featuring Kunal Nayyar
Relevant snippet: [17:00-20:30]

Jay Shetty interviewing Kunal Nayyar

Board games and memories

Let me set the scene. Me and friends are getting together for board games over this COVID-19 season. Playing the online board game Aaron modeled after the original, Dixit. A couple turns in, after I make an obvious blunder, people are asking questions. Mostly in third person. “Why would he do that?” followed by laughter… “I can’t believe he made that move”, more laughter. Brings back old memories. Old wounds resurfacing. You see, this would be a common occurrence when we played board games back when we lived together in school. Which was one of the reasons I didn’t play with them so often. The only difference this time around was.. it was a few years later and my reaction.

You see it’s also about communication and believing in yourself. The old me would have doubted myself and I would have quickly changed my mindset to follow their reaction/lead. But like I said, this time it was years later and I wasn’t having it. I boldly made the same move and left the audience dumbfounded. In the end it was a misunderstanding on my part of the game rules, and we were able to clear it up. My point is though.. It shows the trust and faith this group has in me. Which is more the reason I have to believe in myself, and another reason to take them all with a grain of salt. And don’t forget to communicate 😉

What Depression feels like

There was a time in my life where I was drowned in thoughts. Why this, why that, why why why?

It probably started in June 2017. Yes I had come back from my Europe Trip. Even a while during the trip, I was unusually unhappy. It felt weird and terrible obviously. Like there’s some feelings within me that I hadn’t told anyone yet. Yet I was on vacation. It was terrible timing, but whose fault was that? After a number of family members asked me to postpone the trip, I insisted this was the only suitable time.

So I was miserable on my trip and when I came back from the trip. The summer was so rough. I remember coming home, head was dizzy/tired, confused, filled with thoughts that I couldn’t organize or make sense of. It was sunny outside but I just wanted to go lie on my bed and let the time pass. Sleep. Think.

Part of it was: the realization that I wasn’t going on my abroad teaching trip, part was that I couldn’t make the amends to move out, another big part was that I was jealous of the relationships my friends had. How we had essentially been on the same ground just a few years back, how they had all adjusted in environments, and I felt stuck, not progressing.

What it did was spark a long and dark depression for me that summer. It lasted the entire summer and more. At this time, I remember just wanting to be alone. Either in my room, or on the transit where I wasn’t with anybody. I wanted to be in my own thoughts. And oddly enough, there was a lot to think about. So I thought. I contemplated my life’s actions up to that point. A deep reflection in my experiences. Mostly all the negatives. The actions I made, why I made them, why I had few girl friends in my life, what results came from those actions. And I blamed myself. For how I acted and lived my life before.

I also want to encourage those who are experiencing the feeling. I moved past it and you can too.

Corona in my head

It hasn’t even been 24 hours since WHO announced that Coronavirus is a global pandemic.
And I had my first experience with the virus (even if it was just in my head). I had a 9pm ball game tonight. Two hours before the game I was finishing up dinner and doing my usual routine to get ready for the game. This usually comes with a focus on the game, the opponent, seeing the plays in my head. It wasn’t til one of my teammates texted me back he was on the fence about the game (shout out Glen). It dawned on me he’s never said that before. Then it hit me. The NBA was banned the previous night, the other professional sports leagues on the same day. Imagining all those people on the court, players, refs, incoming teams, outgoing teams. It hit me. Slowly but surely. I made myself to the game reluctantly, and that was when I wanted to call it off. But we had just enough players to play.

I tried to get myself in the mindset: I’m already here. The chances are low. Getting through most of the game was fine, it was fast-paced. After the game is when the worries started creeping in again. With this being the last game of the season, we all just gave each other a head nod, “Good season” and headed off our own way.

I wrote this primarily to learn from it. Because I didn’t know how anxious I’d be in such a situation. But I can’t blame myself. I’m thinking this way because the virus is deadly and there are unknowns. it doesn’t help that there is a delay between incubation and transmission period.

Rotten Grade

I was expecting an 85 on the assignment. I got 55.

For moments I was literally shook by the results and comments, noted by my professor.
“This is the least amount I’ve seen provided EVER for this assignment”
“55/100 is a gift“

Well, didn’t see that coming. This was the first assignment. I actually put a lot of time into it, because I didn’t know how the prof would grade and it weighed a lot.

Plan of action: aim to do less bullshit, cross reference answers, come back in the next assignment.

Raptors Game Day – 02.08.2020

Today was a long-awaited day. Raptors game on a Saturday night. Seats in Section 110. I was taking my cousin Jeffrey.

It was a good game too. Raptors vs. Brooklyn. Crowd was loud, arena was lit, the Raptors won by 1 point, and it came down to the last seconds.

But..I felt very self-conscious. The TV screens showing fans didn’t help. I didn’t have my usual energy that I naturally have at Raptors games. I chose to go sober and without coffee today.

It wasn’t all bad. There were moments I re-connected with myself and had some good chats with Jeffrey. And earlier in the day I was pretty stressed, over small things like coordinating, messages in group chats, etc.

I just can’t help the fact that I find it harder to smile and not worry so much nowadays.