Yesterday’s dinner party

When I’m around all the family members, I’m anxious
I can feel it
Even before my doors touch those footsteps

I’m self doubting
I forget about caring for myself

It started with a few bad conversation topics
Having little space around me to move, so not moving at all
At social situations like these I need to be more aware of my situation
Because if not, I feel like a stomach ache the whole time
and maybe even afterwards. (into the night and next day)

To love myself,
I have to believe in myself.
What I’m thinking, feeling, saying.
Like its nobody else’s business.

I do a good job preparing for events
Before, and after.
But during, I have to give myself that same compassion.

Roommate and Unit Screening:

Find out about the roommate you’ll be living with. What are their interests? Does it jive with yours?

ie. Do they have a full time job or school?
ie. What do they do in their free time?

For me personally, here’s how I would describe myself. I’m a quiet person, don’t
have too many visitors over. I try to have a balance of inside and outside time. I often
use the kitchen. I sleep early. I often use the bathroom for extended periods of time. In the
apartment I spend time reading, watching NBA, and doing tasks on the computer. Outside,
I also like to spend time at parks and shopping. Occasionally I go to friend’s parties
or out for drinks.

Home Inspection:
-are the common areas (washroom/kitchen) clean?
-do all appliances work?
-do things work? or does each thing need maintenance (ie. closet sliding door,
washroom towel bar)

Expectations of living conditions (and setting them):

-I’m fine with sharing utensils but not actual food (due hygienic preferences)
-so where will space be made for me? (cabinets, fridge/freezer, living room arrangements)
-do I need to bring any appliances?

Check out the neighbourhood nearby:

-research about the neighbourhood
-reviews of the apartment if available

Roommates’ Pet Peeves

I’ve been frustrated at my roommate lately. I summarized my reasoning in to 3 points.

  • Leisure time: he closes his door and watches TV in his free time.
    I think the purpose of living with a roommate, and someone you know! is that
    you can spend time together. So it frustrates me to see that he spends his time
    watching TV shows, with a closed door. Sure we haven’t had much luck
    finding common interests since I moved in, but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying right?
    Further note: I need to take some blame for this as there were periods when
    I just closed the door and watched TV (like after work).
  • Communication: he sometimes notices what I am doing (which is nice I guess) but often gives an alternative method with a tone and way says ‘how did you not know that?’
  • Dirtiness/carelessness in general
    • Cleaning dishes:
      • blocking the sink with unwashed dishes
    • Dirtiness of Kitchen and Bathroom
      • food scrap residuals around stove and countertop
      • shaving residuals left on basin of sink
    • Takes up space in the fridge and in the common area
      • he takes up a lot of space in both the freezer. its worse when
        he doesn’t use the items (unused furniture)

What do you think?: Do you agree with my pet peeves? Do I have the right to be angry?

5 years goes by quickly

5 years ago I graduated from university. Since then I have lost touch with a lot of people. I have not been good at keeping in touch. I often think about whether I should reach out to these contacts.

When I ask myself to reach out, sometimes a devil’s advocate appears and says:

  • what if the relationship has been lost?
  • what if the contact does not care about me anymore?

There is a reality aspect to this, and its that a number of years have passed by. In some cases, more than 5 years. Well? Should I make an effort to reach out or not? Let’s evaluate.

Potential (Pros)

  • This may be my chance to reach out
  • I may uncover lots of stories
  • I may share personal stories
  • I may continue/re-kindle the relationship

Cons:

  • I share something stupid
  • We have nothing to talk about or unwilling to share
  • Waste of time
  • I may awe in their success and feel down

Categories of contacts:

  • There are people who are not happy where they are. They have something to share but not willing to reach out
  • There are people who are doing very well, leagues above me, and don’t have time to talk with me anymore.
  • There are people who I don’t have the relationship with
  • There are people who I don’t care much about

The people I want to reach are the people I deep inside care about.

Letter to Mom

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
This is what I think about
When I think about you.

Born in Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh City
I bet you won’t find
A prouder, Chinese person
Than she.

Big Sis to 6, Mother of 3,
Wife, Daughter, Friends to many.
These were some of her roles,
There was more, she had plenty.

Whatever the task,
She made it look easy.
A manager at heart,
She would say… “leave it to me!”

Gifted at talking,
Trilingual too,
Read, write, and speak
From your heart to mine,
She would touch them.

Talking with her friends
Was more than a pastime,
With an instant coffee…
It would last 3 hours and her eyes would shine.

She loved when a friend called,
Mostly because:
She could talk about anything,
Including Us.

Selfless she was,
She cared for so many.
She could be found,
Preparing tax returns to the next big party.

I was often confused, about
Her goodwill and personality.
I said she was stubborn
But oh, the irony.

If I had 1 wish, it would be this
I acted less cool,
Because Young Kids:
You’re only as cool as your parents.

Now when I look back at old pictures… I say…
What a beautiful Mommy.

Successful trip and learning points

This last trip I made to Vancouver was a success. I can’t say that about many of my past trips. I’m often flying home, reflecting on a few good drinkings nights or a few times I was able to be myself, but with many unaccomplished or unrealistic items.

So I’m here to reflect on what made my trip more successful this time around.

  • Creating a realistic priority/goal list.
  • Took downtime to relax and care for my body. Putting my diet as a priority.
  • Having real conversations. Opening up about topics
  • Contributed to the lives of the folks I stayed with. Cooking and cleaning.
  • Discovery: able to try and experience new things/views.
  • Kept work to a minimum and stress level low. This allowed me to flow into things, while discovering, while shopping, to try new things.
  • Giving time for the trip to settle in. Book 1 month in advance, etc.
  • I blogged and made daily journals

Learning points:

  • I didn’t follow a hard schedule. I had a few topics of interest
  • I learned that I value/appreciate nice views, and having a sense of geography/learning about the city
  • Need to prioritize diet when travelling.
    • I need to bring laxative/psyllium husk next trip
    • Check if soaking baths are available
    • 1 week durations are most suitable
  • Didn’t bring clothes suitable to weather (it was cold). Borrowed clothes from Dan.
  • Trips take careful planning (what to bring), packing clothes, etc

Getting back up

When I first had my depression bout (feeling sad, envious, purposeless) I constantly questioned how it could have even happened. I mean, I had a great childhood, a desirable upbringing, barely any problems growing up. I was sad that I was sad.

When I had shown some signs of improvement in behavior and my thoughts months later, I still hated the fact that I had gone through such a thing, one may call depression. It would be a dark memory of the past, and I tried not to remind myself of it.

Lately I have had more time to reflect. And I feel more accepting of this part of my past. That maybe yes it was a “fall down” moment in my life, but more importantly I got back up. I could look at that time as an experience, but also as a growing and learning opportunity.

Vancouver 2019 – Day 7:

  • last day of trip
  • Chie suggested last minute to out for lunch… I really didn’t want to given all the leftovers in the fridge, but consented anyway
  • the restaurant was called Yugo, near their house. I was pleasantly surprised with the meal. It was filling, showed off new flavors and was elegant.
  • in the afternoon I decided to go shopping at the two malls in Richmond. Although I was angst at first (“what am I doing wasting my vacation on a shopping mall that looks like Eaton’s?”) I felt value in the time spent. For my personal shopping list and upcoming presents
  • in the evening, came home to Chie prepping dinner (Enchiladas and egg casserole)
  • Dan came home a bit after with a live, filling Crab. It was so delicious and best part: it didn’t need any extra flavoring, simply steamed. The natural sweetness is impressive.
  • I brought out the Sake. and we just had conversations all night. I opened up about my love relationships, relationship with parents, my depression from 2 years ago, and everything since then.
  • It was a pretty heavy talk, in which the Sake definitely helped. Chie talked about her and her coworkers, etc. All stuff that felt uncomfortable at the time, we rarely take the time to talk about, but much needed in my opinion.

Vancouver 2019 – Day 6:

  • had trouble in the washroom again today. reminder: need to bring psyllium husk on next travel trip
  • went to Chinatown. felt there wasn’t much to walk. some streets I wanted to walk but they smelled and looked like E. Hastings.
  • second leg of trip was to Stanley Park. I walked straight down the middle of the park, made it almost half way through, then turned back
  • for dinner, I prepared some turkey leg, drumsticks and potatoes. i thought it was good!
  • in the evening finished watching the movie – Everybody Knows, starring Penelope Cruz. Ending wasn’t as satisfying as we’d hoped. Seemed it got cut off short.

Vancouver 2019 – Day 5

  • woke up and went to the markets. bought baguette.
  • we had baguette, leftover eggplant spread, soup and fruits for lunch
  • afternoon took a bike ride from Dan’s work place to the start of Stanley Park.
  • i needed to stop because i felt irritation in the bum. The bike seat was high for me. and after the irritation began, each leg cycle on the bike was felt. by the end, i was walking the bike over to the dropoff point
  • met with Chie and went to Cambodian, Vietnamese restaurant that looked mostly run by Cantonese people. Phnom Penh. It was popular and busy.
  • after dinner, came home, finally had a short break before we had a fruit snack,
  • I pulled out the Sake, and we watched a movie which we all found exciting and hard to stop.