Journal – 02.04.2020

I’m journalling about today’s class experience.

Entering class I was somewhat discontent that in my day I hadn’t done all I imagined at the beginning of the day. But little did I know the worst was yet to come.

Usually in class, I’m engaged, happy and learning. Today was much different. I felt nervous that I had a stupid look on. I have been thinking more about how unhappy I appear to be (in my expression). Maybe that carried on with me today. But whatever it was, I felt it hard to focus on what was taught in class. I was scared of looking stupid, saying something stupid, etc. There were times I had something to say. But I felt afraid to ask it for the reasons mentioned about. And engaging with my peers, I knew its something I should have done. But just didn’t have the courage to do it.

This is not the normal me. Just a week ago, I was very engaged with the professor, walked out of that class feeling refreshed. I did have a coffee that day.

My experience today was not unlike the experience I journalled about two days ago. A feeling of being disoriented.

Maybe one thing to do in this scenario is to connect back with the self. I wonder if that part was missing from me today or I was in doubt of myself.

Giving 100%

You know when you were younger, they always said to “give it your 100%” in everything you do?

What if thats not the way its supposed to be?

For me, I’ve doubted this notion firstly because of my injuries at the gym, and now secondly because of my mental capabilities. I can get really focused in on a task. Or a goal. But I’ve been finding recently that when I can’t measure up or fulfill the goal, I can get very stressed along the way. Not only that, but it is completely draining even after the fact. Should I be setting a lower bar?

Moreover, instead of aiming for 100%, should I aim to control my emotions? And never get too high or too low?

The worst part for me is this seems it can happen anywhere for me. It can be when I’m enjoying a game of football with friends, it can be when I’m in class and I’m aiming to get every detail, perfection in the class.

Journal – 02.02.2020

Today has been a stressful day. A day which appeared to be light hearted, an early shift of volunteer work in the morning, come home, get a break before my friends come over for the Superbowl – from the sounds you’d think it was a light day.

The stress actually started before the day. I texted my friends whether they could make it, their dinner plans. You see when i host I like to have this stuff organized. One of them wasn’t clear on their RSVP, the others didnt comment on dinner. My roommate who I have to coordinate with – I’ve found I’m incapable of coordinating with him. He likes to have things his way, and I find him deeply inconsiderate as a person.

During my morning volunteer shift, I had a slight breakdown after lunch. I found myself over thinking every action I was taking. Overanalyzing it, etc. It got to a point where I needed to take a short break to sit down and just breathe. I know I sometimes need a break because of my social anxiety, but this time I was kinda just on my own, overthinking.

Coming home after my shift, I usually get a mental exercise by doing yoga and taking a sitz bath. However this was partly interrupted by my roommate in the kitchen. Ugh.

So we go onto Superbowl, my friend s are here. And here is my roommate, trying to take over the stage. Not only have I spent little time with him, due to little common interests, but even this moment spending time with him I was irritated by his commenting throughout the game. He is so distracting. Maybe I have am biased because of knowing him now as a person. I feel we took turns taking shots at each other tonight. I let my mental practice down tonight.

Jan.26.2020 – RIP Kobe Bryant

It’s a sad, sad day in the NBA world. Today, Kobe passed away. I’m sure the entire NBA community is in shock and saddened by this news. He was in his private jet with his daughter to a basketball game. The helicopter crashed apparently due to fog.

I don’t know if there is a harder worker the NBA has ever known. From what you hear from former players, current players, opponents of Kobe, the media, he is consistently known as one of, if not the most hard working in the game. This is why he is popular in China. Most Chinese citizens are not born with the talent, athleticism, and physical stature of the typical NBA player. Kobe also was not born more talented, athletic than his peers. Still he became one of the greatest to ever play the game. And he achieved accomplishments you wouldn’t expect from someone of his physical stature. He attributed the success to the time and work he put in.

I’m glad that I got to watch and learn so much from Kobe. From when I first started watching NBA/Lakers, til when he retired. Even afterwards, he continued to inspire me. From his play in the game, to his interviews outside the game. In his last playing year he announced his new business venture. Recently he has been creating stories in the form of podcasts, books. His documentary ‘Muse’ showed the rehab and hurdles he had to overcome with his injury and life after basketball. I gravitate towards hard work and good speaking skills. He had both.

It reminds me that life is fragile. That death can happen at any moment. Death is not biased. It can happen to anyone. Even one who is living the life. One whose got 4 daughters, a happy marriage, one of the most successful sports careers, a thriving business career, and respect from just about everyone in the sports world, and more. Still, he was selected today.

One of my faves, Kobe Bryant

Uplifting weekend

I met up with a friend from the basketball team. We had dinner at my place and then went out for bubble tea afterwards. Nothing crazy but the reward in feelings I got from it was tremendous. He opened up telling me that his xmas break was dull with family, feeling lost lately in regards to direction of life, not being happy with his progress in certain things like basketball games.
I suggested lets go to grab a table and talk. it was then I decided, to push the basketball conversation further. We went pretty deep into the conversation, regarding each other’s goals for the season and holding each other accountable. So I feel like by the end I was able to engage him back to one of his focuses.

I took initiative next by giving Chie a call on Saturday. We didn’t chat until the next day, but it was still a good chat. We chatted on various topics; it had been 2 months since I saw her last. She is the type to be strongly rooted in everything she does. She shared what she’s been up to (feeling, thinking) with me, and I was able to give my take: different perspective, another way of the looking at the situation. Like letting her Mom know about her condition. Don’t wait to give news, especially if the news is affecting the dynamic of the relationship (or what it could be). That was my message.

Lastly, I attended my friend’s memorial for a family member. It was a close call, but I almost chose not to attend. When I got there, even though there were a few distractions I feel my intentions were strong that day. Being present during the memorial and paying a visit to the family members I knew. I had a moment with Hagi afterward and I felt the connection with him in that minute. First of sorrow and loss. But then also of encouragement in how to look at the situation from a learning and spiritual aspect. We were in agreement.

After these events, although I was going home, late for my schedule, I felt the weekend was over and I had lent a helping hand/words of encouragement. I could go home and rest.
Moreover, the events uplifted my spirits and it reinforced the purpose I recently discovered: encouraging and uplifting others.

New found purpose

Xmas parties where the same people talk to one another, have the same conversations. Though I had my share of boring xmas parties, I somehow discovered more this season.

I realized this: there was more to live for. The want to do more for my cousins. Be there when they need me. Old friends I haven’t seen in a long time. To feel that even though we’re physically distant, we go through the same struggles. Families of friends. We may have different struggles. Ones I can’t relate to, but.. can I spark joy by paying a visit? Reminisce memories, the old times we had? Can I be a role model for the up and coming generation?

This is my new found purpose.

Jobs I’ve pondered

These are some of the jobs that I’ve considered over the years. Though I haven’t found what it ultimately is yet, I will continue searching and experimenting. And this journal is my understanding of some of those roles, why I may fit in the role.

  • Business Analyst
    • clarification of requirements, deliverables and expectations
    • leadership is a skill, and I feel great when I initiate things
    • proper communications for the audience
    • ensuring involved parties are on the same page
  • Teaching
    • I feel a big reason I’m inclined to teach is because I respect the art of learning so much
    • I’ve realized that my learning process is unique. I can often be the slow one, or think differently. I guess I’ve gained an appreciation for that each learner is different. As a result, my philosophy is that a teacher should strive to adapt and teach in a way that is convenient for the student!
  • Interviewer
    • Passion in finding the truth
    • Challenging the status quo, bringing up a topic or view point that upper management hasn’t
  • Writer
    • I don’t think in the sense of a traditional author. More so, a blogger. One who travels, experiences, and shares them with a community or online
  • Shark Tank investor
    • the above is more of a dream come true. Business cases were always intriguing to me
  • Marketing/Econ professional
    • appeal and attraction, target audience, supply and demand
  • Business development manager
    • Experimenting different methods of doing business
    • Engaging with and helping out a consumer
    • Building relationships

2019 Reflection

Good:

  • quit my job; liberating feeling and reflection afterward
  • building mental strength/confidence back since 2016
  • found a way to control constipation
  • tidied and organized physically and mentally
  • experienced being NBA champions in Toronto
  • developed new interests in Chinese language, movies, podcasts
  • handled a tough job and picked up new job skills
  • continuous investment in yoga and patience
  • learning to manage emotions and self-care/self-love
  • visiting Chie and Dan and spending quality time with them
  • developed venting strategy: blogging

Bad:

  • lack of care led me to back pain
  • lack of romantic relationships
  • still feel relationships in my network are weak
  • lack of judgement led me to painful move in new apartment
  • left job. without a job for 3 months of year.

Conflicted over family

I’ve been quite conflicted the last two days. After the dinner party on Friday (which I wrote about), I’ve been angered by the thought of my family, certain family members. I feel like they’ve given up on me. Moreover, they didn’t support me even when I was down. I remember days when I used to be the talk of the whole party amongst my family (aunts and uncles).

But maybe there’s another way to look at it. Firstly, I have to come to grips with myself and my actions. It starts with this. Then what about the patience lessons that I’ve been tuning in to? The deep breaths, calmness, and wisdom. Has that all been lost? I’ve done a great deal of practising patience recently (with Dad, at work, with friends), so how did I lose sight of this perspective these last two days? I was full of angst and anger at every thought of them. Obviously showing my anger and pointing out their faults would not be my solution to this problem. Luckily I’ve had a few days of a break, before seeing them next on Christmas. I need to tune back into my practice. Shout out to YWA, On Purpose with Jay Shetty.