Perspectives

I can look at it this way, or I can look at it that way
I can see it as an injury, or I can see it as a lesson to learn
I can see it as no girlfriend, or I can see it as an opportunity to find a companion
I can think of it as jobless, or I can think it as an awaiting opportunity
I can see it as being disabled, or I can see it as a posture I’m not comfortable with yet
I can see it as friends I’ve lost touch with, or the good memories we had together
I can think of the disagreements we had, or I can think of them of as lessons I need to learn
I can think of the disappointment she had in me, or I can think of the potential she saw in me
I can think of it as a wrong degree, or I can think of the sweat, blood, and tears I dedicated to earning it
I can think of it as failed work relationships, or I can think of them as lessons and experience to learn from
I can muck on about the past, or I can keep moving forward.

Reflections of COVID (through my dog, Tofu)

Hello, my name is Tofu. Here’s my take on COVID-19.

  • My owners are home most of the time now. They no longer disappear for 9 hours a day!
  • My owners won’t let me play with other dogs. have i been very bad?
  • So many opportunities to go out for walks!
  • I miss the park and all my friends 😦
  • The foster boy who moved in even lets me out the backyard
  • I don’t understand why he runs in circles or one end to the other. i don’t smell any food.
  • The boy acts weird sometimes. meows like a cat. i bark in response, but he’s really lucky i don’t bite him instead

Positive changes during COVID-19

There’s been real positive changes that have occurred in my life since the beginning of the virus. Whether its having less chores on my plate or being around others I can spend time with, I’m grateful for the changes and want to continue moving forward.

Some of these changes include:

  • living back at home with parents and siblings
    • interaction and socialization at home! this was way more than I was used to living in the dinky apartment
    • spending time with siblings over movie and board game nights
    • spending time training our dog, Tofu
  • having home cooked meals and not having to cook. Have to give props to my sis and Dad for this one. Has allowed me to free up my schedule.

I’ve had more time to tend to the back, and as a result this has contributed to an improvement in my back pain 🙂

Finding your passion with Noeline Kirabo

This talk resonated with me. I remember about 4-5 years ago, living in at home, getting my first full-time job at the bank. I was a year in when I felt boredom and tediousness in my work. Family and friends assume you are happy because you’re making decent money. The longer I worked, the more drained I felt. Like Noeline said about her own experience, the work was not aligned to my idea of purposeful work. Prompting a feeling inside saying there must be something more. So for some time I thought about leaving. It wasn’t until several years later I left my job, partly for this reason.

Two questions Noeline suggests you to ask yourself to find your passion are:

  1. If you had all the time and money in the world, what would you spend your time doing?
  2. What makes you happy? (look inward)
Uncovering your passion with Noeline Kirabo

Running away from myself

I was listening to a podcast the other day. I listened and realized deep parallels from my own experience. Let me take you back. This was during my university days. Reflecting back, I was embodying someone who I really wasn’t. And to make up for those times, I drank. When I drank I felt the calmness and that I could do anything. Without it, I was an act at most. Although I never thought of myself having a dependency on alcohol, it’s evident looking back. The various reasons I came up with – to drink. When friends were around, on a Saturday night. Soon after, I could find myself in a panic attack, having my heart race but having no idea why.

The answer, as Kunal explains in this podcast, is to look within yourself. That’s where the answer lies: Why am I panicking? What if I chose to abstain for one night – how would I react?

Podcast: ‘On Purpose’ featuring Kunal Nayyar
Relevant snippet: [17:00-20:30]

Jay Shetty interviewing Kunal Nayyar

Board games and memories

Let me set the scene. Me and friends are getting together for board games over this COVID-19 season. Playing the online board game Aaron modeled after the original, Dixit. A couple turns in, after I make an obvious blunder, people are asking questions. Mostly in third person. “Why would he do that?” followed by laughter… “I can’t believe he made that move”, more laughter. Brings back old memories. Old wounds resurfacing. You see, this would be a common occurrence when we played board games back when we lived together in school. Which was one of the reasons I didn’t play with them so often. The only difference this time around was.. it was a few years later and my reaction.

You see it’s also about communication and believing in yourself. The old me would have doubted myself and I would have quickly changed my mindset to follow their reaction/lead. But like I said, this time it was years later and I wasn’t having it. I boldly made the same move and left the audience dumbfounded. In the end it was a misunderstanding on my part of the game rules, and we were able to clear it up. My point is though.. It shows the trust and faith this group has in me. Which is more the reason I have to believe in myself, and another reason to take them all with a grain of salt. And don’t forget to communicate 😉

What Depression feels like

There was a time in my life where I was drowned in thoughts. Why this, why that, why why why?

It probably started in June 2017. Yes I had come back from my Europe Trip. Even a while during the trip, I was unusually unhappy. It felt weird and terrible obviously. Like there’s some feelings within me that I hadn’t told anyone yet. Yet I was on vacation. It was terrible timing, but whose fault was that? After a number of family members asked me to postpone the trip, I insisted this was the only suitable time.

So I was miserable on my trip and when I came back from the trip. The summer was so rough. I remember coming home, head was dizzy/tired, confused, filled with thoughts that I couldn’t organize or make sense of. It was sunny outside but I just wanted to go lie on my bed and let the time pass. Sleep. Think.

Part of it was: the realization that I wasn’t going on my abroad teaching trip, part was that I couldn’t make the amends to move out, another big part was that I was jealous of the relationships my friends had. How we had essentially been on the same ground just a few years back, how they had all adjusted in environments, and I felt stuck, not progressing.

What it did was spark a long and dark depression for me that summer. It lasted the entire summer and more. At this time, I remember just wanting to be alone. Either in my room, or on the transit where I wasn’t with anybody. I wanted to be in my own thoughts. And oddly enough, there was a lot to think about. So I thought. I contemplated my life’s actions up to that point. A deep reflection in my experiences. Mostly all the negatives. The actions I made, why I made them, why I had few girl friends in my life, what results came from those actions. And I blamed myself. For how I acted and lived my life before.

I also want to encourage those who are experiencing the feeling. I moved past it and you can too.

Corona in my head

It hasn’t even been 24 hours since WHO announced that Coronavirus is a global pandemic.
And I had my first experience with the virus (even if it was just in my head). I had a 9pm ball game tonight. Two hours before the game I was finishing up dinner and doing my usual routine to get ready for the game. This usually comes with a focus on the game, the opponent, seeing the plays in my head. It wasn’t til one of my teammates texted me back he was on the fence about the game (shout out Glen). It dawned on me he’s never said that before. Then it hit me. The NBA was banned the previous night, the other professional sports leagues on the same day. Imagining all those people on the court, players, refs, incoming teams, outgoing teams. It hit me. Slowly but surely. I made myself to the game reluctantly, and that was when I wanted to call it off. But we had just enough players to play.

I tried to get myself in the mindset: I’m already here. The chances are low. Getting through most of the game was fine, it was fast-paced. After the game is when the worries started creeping in again. With this being the last game of the season, we all just gave each other a head nod, “Good season” and headed off our own way.

I wrote this primarily to learn from it. Because I didn’t know how anxious I’d be in such a situation. But I can’t blame myself. I’m thinking this way because the virus is deadly and there are unknowns. it doesn’t help that there is a delay between incubation and transmission period.