Artist feature: Jay Chou

Jay Chou.. you will always be one of my idols. I first heard you when I was in grade 7-8, before I started listening to any music. But my brother had you on, in the basement of our house in Richmond Hill. Fast forward a few years, and I’m in first year of university.

Several of my dorm mates knew about you. And me, never wanting to be left out, was like “Yeah, I’m a fan too.” Before you know it, I have your playlists, and I’m playing it on repeat. After that I’ve always thought myself as one of your biggest fans.

And since then, you’ve taken me through so much. I mean, I’ve carried you and your songs with me everywhere. From my first Vancouver trip in summer 2009. Through a breakup. Through the development of a new relationship. Til 2019.

For a long time, you were the only non-English artist I listened. Normally, I appreciate music’s lyrics. With your music, even though I don’t understand Mandarin, I felt connected. Your music videos really helped. They brought the music to life. Helped me understand the feelings and emotions as you sang along. And I don’t know. I connected to it.


This is the cover for one of Chou’s earliest albums, Fantasy. It contains a song called ‘Simple Love’.

This photo is thematic of Chou’s music. He tends to write music about his relationships and they tend to have a sad element to it.

This picture reminds me of my brother. The eyes to the hairstyle (which he once rocked), to his closed mouth pose. If I found this photo on his desk, I would take one closer look then go on about my day.

Journal – 10.06.2019

Sometimes I have insecure thoughts in my head; the only thing I can think of is to write them down. Maybe if I use this as journal I can someday make sense of it all.

All weekend I had planned visiting this gym I was going to today. The last time I played basketball here was about 6 months ago.

But as I made my way out to the gym, I had these insecure feelings. That certain guys were gonna show up, and I wouldn’t perform well. I had some plays run through my head, turnovers, etc. This didn’t make me feel very good, getting anxious for a drop in session.

On my 20 minute walk to the gym, I noticed a girl, colleague back from university days. Although we had a distant relationship, I felt shameful for whatever reason if she were to see me at that moment. Over the last few years, this has been happening more and more. That I notice someone I knew, but didn’t have the courage to spark the conversation. I would rather look down or away from that person. This isn’t how I envisioned myself. Part of me still wants to initiate the conversation – I hope I can improve here.

Moreover, I really needed to get this off my chest. It had been bothering me, even after I returned home.

Jobless for the first time

It’s my 3rd day (Wednesday) not working a 9-5 job (after 5 years straight). The feeling is obviously something different. It also feels like something is missing. A job.

Now I’ve done some reflecting in the last few days. I’ve had the time to. At first it was – did I make a mistake? What did I leave?

But it doesn’t take long for me to recount the life I had while working in that department… Plus, I’ve already made the decision. Remember? ‘The Decision’?

Lebron making “The Decision”

So its time to move on. Because whether it was right or wrong, it’s already done. And I did it with good intentions. I did what my heart, body felt was right. What’s the saying? “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”?

Well I quit. And the manner I handled it in the office, it wasn’t perfect but I feel pretty good how I handled it. Now for the aftermath, dealing with myself. Living with myself after having made that decision – how am I going to handle that?

At times in the day I feel great. Say when I’m doing something I haven’t in a while. Like swimming. Having the time to slow my day down, have a yoga session, smell the flowers when I’m walking out. Now other times, like when I just finished an activity but its not quite lunch time yet, or not quite dinner time yet – I’m used to having a full schedule. And I’m left with wondering how to fill this time gap. I could do a better job of managing this.

October 2nd, 2019

The Decision (Sept-27-2019)

I don’t think it was necessarily a hard decision. But I should examine how it came about. Throughout all this time I was working (about 9 months) at this job without a break, taking days off or vacation. It was only on my trip to Asia that I had some time to myself, thought about whether this job was doing me good. The consideration started in the first few days of the 2 week trip. By the end, I concluded that it wouldn’t be right to leave without giving the job another shot.

So I got back to the office. During that first week, it was much a rollercoaster of emotions. Frustration, some progress, more frustration. But what really got me was that I continued to take work home with me. In the evenings, and during nights of sleep. At any moment in time I could be thinking about work. And due to the deadlines and nature of the department, and partly to my own nature, I couldn’t stop it. This is what I really couldn’t take anymore.

I told myself not to rush anything, I don’t want to do something that I’d regret. But the closer I got to the decision, the closer it felt right and the more liberation I felt. My body started to breathe and my mind opened up again.

So after 1 week returning from my vacation, the letter drafting came. Then the letter delivery on an anxious Monday afternoon.

Sour exit

Some feelings soured as my boss shared with me the overtime request I submitted more than 6 months back. It was 1/5 of what I requested. They had reasons like my taking a extra long lunch, not submitting the request formally as a few reasons. Worst of all, they determined the number, shared it with me through my boss. This way there was no room for a real conversation. I feel jipped because I really worked for all those hours. I was even lenient in my count. And they take 6 months, perform an investigation, and give me a blank slate with a number on it, and ask me to sign? How can I not get sour about this.

Work diaries – 09.11.2019

Today was my 3rd day back to the office. The first day, it actually wasn’t so bad, despite the jet lag. I had coffee and maybe that cheered me up. Yesterday I felt more pressure. Today was the worst. I went back to thinking about what could happen if I quit. Thinking about the goods and bads were a nuisance to me. My manager is managing my day for me. Furthermore I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if I leave.

I also thought back and forth when is the best to leave. I guess we will have to see, and see exciting news. So thinking about charting it out, observations from the workplace.

Factors I can track:

  • Time spent outside of work on work
  • How stressful the day is
  • Back pain level
  • Disagreements with team

09.12.2019

  • Today was better
  • Not so many demands from boss today, I came in early and left on time, time-managed the day

9.13.2019

  • in our 1:1, Michael was reconciliatory. this surprised me since the emails he wrote this week were all demanding this, that be done
  • it made me uncomfortable because in my mind I’d already decided I’d leave
  • now reflecting on it, it is too little, too late

top 5 problems:

  1. The work content. I’ve learned what I want here.
  2. I can’t stop thinking about work – quitting will give me closure
  3. there have been too many differences in the past. him telling me how to do things. this probably will not change. and his approach to serving clients. I like to be conservative and he is over-promising.
  4. the organization is unorganized. its constantly rumbling, changing. I don’t have faith it will change

9.18.2019

It’s only been 3 days since I’ve announced my leave. But it’s felt like forever. It’s only Wednesday. It feels like a whole week already.

Today the announcement to department came out. I got a few nice replies, most others just ignored. One person from my team congratulated me, but that person is a witch. It shows me that I wasn’t appreciated here. I could have done this role, stressed myself for another 6 months, and no one would have noticed/cared when I said bye. Maybe thats not entirely true. I still have another week to go.

Moreover, today I dealt with some stresses. Today was Wednesday which means report day. On top of that my manager is pressing with the micro-management again. He joins my meeting and takes it over, he asks me to cancel my WFH day, constantly throws items at me like I’m his bitch. That’s how I feel. And this is 2 days after I announce my leave. What’s that quote about “you get to know the real person during tough times?” If there’s such a belief, well, I’m starting to believe it now. The chaos in this department does not end.

Taiwan Day 1 + 2 (Aug. 24, 25)

Day 1:

  • Jet-lagged, got in from airport at 1, got back to hotel at 2:30
  • I handled the day quite well, spontaneously and high energy given my tiredness
  • it was fun messing with kk and Tyler
  • visited the night market first time – quite stinky
  • spent entire morning looking for SIM card
  • while getting lunch at nice spicy noodle ramen, Grandmother fell on her face (near the eye bruised), face first, secondary impact to the knees
  • immediately hailed cab home, waited for Dan to arrive

Day 2:

  • driver arranged to pick us up at 9:30
  • places of visit
  • Jiufen: had beautiful natural mountains to get there. This place was basically a collection of food stalls in the mountains, combined with temples. However it was a long trip. I was frustrated we didn’t find a restaurant til the end. If I have a need (ie. food) I should just go for it.
  • Shifen: near here, there was something called “tian-dung” at this point, even though it was after eating I was frustrated with the coordination of the day already.

Day 2 Barriers:

  • Grandma was already hurt, needs physical support
  • we have 10 people
  • it was crowded, food market stalls, easy to lose one another, given no itinerary, plan, communication
  • Next time, I can ask: what time we should meet back up and where, who will stick with who

Taiwan Day x (Aug.28)

Since the morning I’ve been in some conflict. We got up early this morning to get drive ready Taipei -> Tainan.

  1. My headphones are broken, no longer soundproof.
  2. The group communication – the lack of it and the miscommunication it causes. ie. time to meet up/pickup, pitstops – how long we stay

It doesn’t take long for me to start doubting myself. This is something I need to work on. I get to this depressive mode – where I start doubting things I do, things I think.

Part of the reason is:

  • I’m constantly in disagreement with others
  • ie. Steve: the restaurants he chooses, the number of food stops
  • voicing my opinion when I am in disagreement. But I also don’t want to make a fuss, so this becomes an internal battle for me (whether to state my disagreement, how to say it)

It also didn’t help Grandma yapping in my ear today, about what to look at, how to do things. I need to give myself a break. My back has hurt extensively the last few days. Interrupting my sleep. I’ve been diligent with exercises, eating fruit, etc.
Yesterday, which I spent myself, was the best day so far. I even got to thinking I can take this back, learn Chinese more, and explore this new career path. I should continue this thinking.

To summarize this is an opportunity for me to:

  1. Build trust/relationship with myself
  2. WordPress
  3. Career opportunity (ie. Learning Chinese)

Taiwan Day x (Aug.30)

Yesterday started out as a bad morning, turned into a good day.

The previous night I went off on my own, so I didn’t feel reconciled with the rest of the group. It took some time but I calmed down, relaized no one was trying to harm me, so I was positive for the rest of the day.

The evening I took a short nap before we went for dinner. At dinner, I had this anxious feeling. We were as a group again, everyone together. Throughout the trip I felt hesistant when speaking to Anna or Lisa, responding only with y/n responses. Not sure why I can’t be myself around female adults. But I woke up thinking about it.

I’ve come this far: a week into the trip. Had ups, downs, headaches, tummy aches. One week to go, many surprises to come, and things I can improve on (positivity, influence).

Taiwan Day x (Aug 31)

Woke up yesterday feeling like I had something to prove. I had sleep going for me. The two previous nights sleep was better – harder mattress at City Place (Tainan).

Started the day 9:30 (breakfast was very good at the hotel – congee, soup everyday). Mr. Tin, our driver picked us up. We had one stop for lunch and for one scenic view, but the detour took us from 9:30-5pm rather than a direct 3.5 hour drive.

My attitude and poise improved the last 2 days. Not sure if this was due to better sleep, better group engagement, or what. I’ve simply been more engaged in activities the last 2 days. Keep it up!