Relationship experience

I’m well over the age most people start dating… yet I haven’t had many relationships. The worse part is the insecurity I have over relationships. That’s the reason I’m writing about it today.

Relationships is a fundamental block of a person’s life. In my view. And I’m talking about romantic relationships. So when a coworker or friend brings it up, and I find myself unable to share my own experiences I find that that’s insecure. I find that there’s space to dig into here.

My first relationship was in university. The summer after my first year. This girl, we got along fine in first year together, never thought of her as a romantic target at the time. We had mutual friends and hung out as a group, friends from residence.

It was a fun ride. To this day its been my most memorable relationship. Memories of us being young, going to classes, hanging out at each other’s units, enjoying both probably our first time relationships.

I also won’t forget how it ended. Because it wasn’t pretty. Looking back I made shallow and selfish decisions. And being a frenetic, anxious person, moves like these would be made quickly. So I ended it quick.

There you have it. About 6 months of dating and then she was gone. How quickly an ex-friend can disappear from your life.

My second relationship was… less memorable than the first. It had been years since I’d been in a relationship. I think I was just hungry at the time, and selfish, looking for my own needs. Around mid 20’s. I met this girl at a karaoke bar. Got her number after singing a Shrek song with her.  A month or two later, we started dating. Well, really just seeing each other once a week. At the time I was dealing with my own issues – family member’s health, so really she listened a lot. But we talked about other things too, in that way it was a relationship. But I admit it wasn’t in the affectionate type of relationship. I like you for this, and you like me for that. Going through struggles to win her over, or going through relationships as a couple. No.

And the way it ended again, was telling and showing of that. Another 6 months.

There you have it. My 2 relationships. Many years later. And it feels like I’m still raw and inexperienced.

Moreover I feel I just thought of them as stepping stones. I know – it doesn’t sound right, or moral. That’s where I went wrong. But yeah, even while dating them I had this in the back of my mind. I guess this has made me insecure of relationships today.

What’s next? Well I’m hoping by releasing this, it uncovers, unleashes my ability to talk about my relationships.. My goal this year was to share more. So this is consistent with that.

Also, I can’t tell lies about them no more. No more general responses like “a few relationships”, “less than a year”. This will bring clarity, honesty to the table.

Changing Values

My values have changed. When I look back, when I was in university especially, I was caught up in many things: showing others the happy me, keeping up “a persona” in my friend circle, being in with “what’s in”. Pretty superficial things.

The change definitely has some to do with maturing as I get older. But I think it’s also now I’m taking the time to reflect – not being stuck in other people’s lives or their opinions – I feel my values have changed.

Nowadays, I’m valuing awareness, my own emotions and feelings. Those are the top priority. These are things I rarely paid attention to earlier on. Back then I had an image of the ideal guy in my head and I guess I used to model myself after him (sounds crazy, no?).  And with little awareness to my feelings, I would put on that front for hours in the day, days in the year, etc. Not sure how I pulled it off for so long. But I’m happy I can now differentiate between the two states.

I can delve deeper into how it’s all affected me, but there’s no need. I will note the elephant in the room however. The most obvious effect is that it set me back in knowing myself. Well, … it just means there’s more to discover ahead.

Stresses

Often times in life, we get worked up with the daily stresses, the pressures of family, the lifestyle changes in friends, that we lose sight in what’s important, what makes us happy. Reflecting back I have to admit I lost this. For years. For years I have had:

  • Family pressures on finding a partner
  • Self expectation in school and work
  • Friends lives changing after university

The reason I’m reflecting is because I haven’t had the feeling of no pressures in a while. A time to think purely for myself. What am I going through, how I can improve, without having to worry about other peoples’ agendas or what they sign you up for. I felt that again this week, the first time in a long time — no phone calls, no parties. Just me, a book, a yoga mat and my personal agenda to clean up bits of my life.

Kobe Bean Bryant

I’ve known of Kobe Bryant for a long time now (as a fan). When I started watching the NBA he was on the Lakers, my best friend’s favorite team at the time (the same friend who got me into basketball). So he was one of the first stars I knew. I continued to follow his journey throughout the NBA. Knowing him through the media as this one-man team, less a team player, and always willing to shoot type of player. Nevertheless he drew my attention. Through the final days of his career in 2016.

Throughout the years I heard mentions of his “passion for the game”, hours spent in the gym. But to me he was just another superstar who had god-given physique and supernatural athleticism. I couldn’t really relate. I’m a 5’5 140-pound asian male (at best), and my most competitive stage has been intermediate intramural basketball teams. Still, he was a star I idolized; if nothing else, I connected with him on the aspect of hard work and commitment, more than I can say with other superstars.

Shortly after his retirement, I hear Kobe is shifting his focus to a venture different than basketball. What could it be? I wondered while researching further. He was about to start the Bryant-Stibel fund, an investment company, that would invest money into smaller companies, in hopes of seeing them grow via seed money and partnerships. In other words, he was about to step into the world of business. In the in person interview/announcement (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi-qiC0NuTM), it sounded more like he was going to take the business world by storm and grasp on to it, not unlike the way he grasped onto a basketball. That’s the passion and intensity of Kobe Bryant when he puts his mind into a subject. This in itself, fascinated me. To this day, I’ve never been shown an athlete transitioning from sports to another line of business so purposefully and precisely.

Kobe’s gig after Basketball

I’ve also started reading a book on Kobe. It’s called Showboat, by Roland Lazenby. Being a physically thick and wide, heavy book, initially I wasn’t sure I’d finish it. But I borrowed it from the library anyway. I’m only in the middle now, but I now see why it had to be such a long book. It details conversations, the mood, atmosphere of crucial moments in his life, but also everything else in between, as it is a memoir/autobiography.