Giving 100%

You know when you were younger, they always said to “give it your 100%” in everything you do?

What if thats not the way its supposed to be?

For me, I’ve doubted this notion firstly because of my injuries at the gym, and now secondly because of my mental capabilities. I can get really focused in on a task. Or a goal. But I’ve been finding recently that when I can’t measure up or fulfill the goal, I can get very stressed along the way. Not only that, but it is completely draining even after the fact. Should I be setting a lower bar?

Moreover, instead of aiming for 100%, should I aim to control my emotions? And never get too high or too low?

The worst part for me is this seems it can happen anywhere for me. It can be when I’m enjoying a game of football with friends, it can be when I’m in class and I’m aiming to get every detail, perfection in the class.

2019 Reflection

Good:

quit my job; liberating feeling and reflection afterward
building mental strength/confidence back since 2016
found a way to control constipation
tidied and organized physically and mentally
experienced being NBA champions in Toronto
developed new interests in Chinese language, movies, podcasts
handled a tough job and picked up new job skills
continuous investment in yoga and patience
learning to manage emotions and self-care/self-love
visiting Chie and Dan and spending quality time with them
developed venting strategy: blogging

Bad:

lack of care led me to back pain
lack of romantic relationships
still feel relationships in my network are weak
lack of judgement led me to painful move in new apartment
left job. without a job for 3 months of year.

Roommate and Unit Screening:

Find out about the roommate you’ll be living with. What are their interests? Does it jive with yours?

ie. Do they have a full time job or school?
ie. What do they do in their free time?

For me personally, here’s how I would describe myself. I’m a quiet person, don’t
have too many visitors over. I try to have a balance of inside and outside time. I often
use the kitchen. I sleep early. I often use the bathroom for extended periods of time. In the
apartment I spend time reading, watching NBA, and doing tasks on the computer. Outside,
I also like to spend time at parks and shopping. Occasionally I go to friend’s parties
or out for drinks.

Home Inspection:
-are the common areas (washroom/kitchen) clean?
-do all appliances work?
-do things work? or does each thing need maintenance (ie. closet sliding door,
washroom towel bar)

Expectations of living conditions (and setting them):

-I’m fine with sharing utensils but not actual food (due hygienic preferences)
-so where will space be made for me? (cabinets, fridge/freezer, living room arrangements)
-do I need to bring any appliances?

Check out the neighbourhood nearby:

-research about the neighbourhood
-reviews of the apartment if available

Roommates’ Pet Peeves

I’ve been frustrated at my roommate lately. I summarized my reasoning in to 3 points.

Leisure time: he closes his door and watches TV in his free time.
I think the purpose of living with a roommate, and someone you know! is that
you can spend time together. So it frustrates me to see that he spends his time
watching TV shows, with a closed door. Sure we haven’t had much luck
finding common interests since I moved in, but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying right?
Further note: I need to take some blame for this as there were periods when
I just closed the door and watched TV (like after work).
Communication: he sometimes notices what I am doing (which is nice I guess) but often gives an alternative method with a tone and way says ‘how did you not know that?’
Dirtiness/carelessness in general
- Cleaning dishes:
  - blocking the sink with unwashed dishes
- Dirtiness of Kitchen and Bathroom
  - food scrap residuals around stove and countertop
  - shaving residuals left on basin of sink
- Takes up space in the fridge and in the common area
  - he takes up a lot of space in both the freezer. its worse when
    he doesn’t use the items (unused furniture)

What do you think?: Do you agree with my pet peeves? Do I have the right to be angry?

5 years goes by quickly

5 years ago I graduated from university. Since then I have lost touch with a lot of people. I have not been good at keeping in touch. I often think about whether I should reach out to these contacts.

When I ask myself to reach out, sometimes a devil’s advocate appears and says:

what if the relationship has been lost?
what if the contact does not care about me anymore?

There is a reality aspect to this, and its that a number of years have passed by. In some cases, more than 5 years. Well? Should I make an effort to reach out or not? Let’s evaluate.

Potential (Pros)

This may be my chance to reach out
I may uncover lots of stories
I may share personal stories
I may continue/re-kindle the relationship

Cons:

I share something stupid
We have nothing to talk about or unwilling to share
Waste of time
I may awe in their success and feel down

Categories of contacts:

There are people who are not happy where they are. They have something to share but not willing to reach out
There are people who are doing very well, leagues above me, and don’t have time to talk with me anymore.
There are people who I don’t have the relationship with
There are people who I don’t care much about

The people I want to reach are the people I deep inside care about.

Successful trip and learning points

This last trip I made to Vancouver was a success. I can’t say that about many of my past trips. I’m often flying home, reflecting on a few good drinkings nights or a few times I was able to be myself, but with many unaccomplished or unrealistic items.

So I’m here to reflect on what made my trip more successful this time around.

Creating a realistic priority/goal list.
Took downtime to relax and care for my body. Putting my diet as a priority.
Having real conversations. Opening up about topics
Contributed to the lives of the folks I stayed with. Cooking and cleaning.
Discovery: able to try and experience new things/views.
Kept work to a minimum and stress level low. This allowed me to flow into things, while discovering, while shopping, to try new things.
Giving time for the trip to settle in. Book 1 month in advance, etc.
I blogged and made daily journals

Learning points:

I didn’t follow a hard schedule. I had a few topics of interest
I learned that I value/appreciate nice views, and having a sense of geography/learning about the city
Need to prioritize diet when travelling.
- I need to bring laxative/psyllium husk next trip
- Check if soaking baths are available
- 1 week durations are most suitable
Didn’t bring clothes suitable to weather (it was cold). Borrowed clothes from Dan.
Trips take careful planning (what to bring), packing clothes, etc

Getting back up

When I first had my depression bout (feeling sad, envious, purposeless) I constantly questioned how it could have even happened. I mean, I had a great childhood, a desirable upbringing, barely any problems growing up. I was sad that I was sad.

When I had shown some signs of improvement in behavior and my thoughts months later, I still hated the fact that I had gone through such a thing, one may call depression. It would be a dark memory of the past, and I tried not to remind myself of it.

Lately I have had more time to reflect. And I feel more accepting of this part of my past. That maybe yes it was a “fall down” moment in my life, but more importantly I got back up. I could look at that time as an experience, but also as a growing and learning opportunity.

Leaving the Job

Below are a number of factors that resulted in my leaving my most recent job. I have never left a job before although I had thought about it. Admittedly, my quality of life was so poor during this time. I lost happiness in everything I did. Even the simple pleasures. Like playing basketball, enjoying food, etc.

The back pain was a big reason why I decided to leave my job when I did. I now know that I had bad posture and Pelvic Anterior Tilt. There were times when I couldn’t sit at my desk for half an hour without pain. I would go to the windowsill or an unused room so I could stand up, take deep breaths peacefully, and sip my tea. This gave me temporary relief.

Outside of work, I felt an attachment to work. I limited the time I spent at work, because the company was not paying me overtime. However, my attachment to work got out of control. Even outside of working hours, I would be thinking about the upcoming deadlines, how to structure my day so I could meet those deadlines. This became apparent to me when I went on vacation; I was still so attached.

Work aspect: feeling like I would never catch up to the work and the work politics would never change. During my 1-1’s with my boss, I mentioned I’ve never felt at ease with the workload. I never felt steady and ready to take on a new challenges. It was always about catching up and “fixes”. The other thing is the work politics. In my less than a year stint, I think I did my best to create and balance work relationships. I did a lot more giving than taking. Yet the organization did not respect the work our team or I did, therefore we were always set up in a bad position; giving.

Clean up in my life: I lost ownership of activities in my life such as cooking meals, organizing my photos, blogs to write. In other words, personal time. To be fair, some of this not only pertained to this job. But a buildup of my last 5 years of working. I constantly felt unorganized and had a long to do list.

I wrote this post for others facing a similar position. A decision: to leave or to hang on to the job long as you can. It’s been almost a month since I’ve departed from my job. I can say with relief that I have taken better care of my health, taken an ownership on what’s priority, and thinking with less clutter.

Culture

Where am I from? Where is my family from? What is my background?

All these questions are telling, but don’t tell the story. Lots of times this is irritating when people assume. Or when they see my last name. Because people get the wrong impression when they notice my Vietnamese last name.

Vietnam: my Mom and Dad’s family grew up in Vietnam. My Mom was 17-18 when she left Vietnam for Canada. So her good childhood years were all spent in Vietnam. This has passed on to us, where I grew up in North America but I often prefer to eat vietnamese noodles and foods. So the food and culture was Vietnamese influenced.

Hong Kong: the language my parents and family spoke around the house was Cantonese. And so the TV my grandmother watched, radio listened to, it was not broadcasted from China. It was all in Cantonese. The TV channels were programs from Hong Kong, and Hong Kong dramas. So from a news and language point of view, we were Hong Kong influenced.

China: Chinese history runs deep. No matter how badly you dislike the Chinese government, laws, and etc. Because The stories. The traditions. Having mooncakes in September, Chinese folktales, and red envelopes. These all originated from China, hundreds of years ago. I guess what I’m trying to say is in the bigger scheme of things, I will always consider myself Chinese. Even though I don’t speak the native language.

What’s funny is when I was younger, I didn’t acknowledge stuff like this. The chinese language, the food, etc. Because I grew up in Canada. Who knew I would appreciate the history, culture and defend it years later.

Back pain history

Using this journal to track my back pain progress. It has been affecting me for the last 2 years now.

Oct.20: I had a breakthrough. I was in pain and decided to go to the gym. I did exercises including squat and bench press, and I felt much better afterward. Problem is I still to sit throughout the day, and I also am on an alternating-day workout plan.

Ex-routine:
-child’s pose, back extension stretch, cat/camel stretch
-foam rolling

Research to do: Lumbar Lordosis, Anterior pelvic tilt, exercises
-https://www.themusclemaster.com/why-does-my-back-crack-deep-breath/ ***
-https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lordosis
– https://acatoday.org/content/posture-power-how-to-correct-your-body-alignment
– http://www.swolept.com/posts/fixing-anterior-pelvic-tilt-posture-tricks-to-make-your-butt-and-gut-smaller#.XbDzIOhKhyx

Oct 16 update:

-2.5 weeks away from work. Sometimes I still really feel the pain. The pain activates when I am sitting.
-I have went to get X-rays last Friday on the lower back
-I’ve replaced my folding chair with a desk chair
-some days it feels less pain, some days it is more

October 7 update:
-I’ve been off work for over a week now, still have the back pain
-during some research and looking in the mirror last week, I noticed there
was a lump in the lower abs region. Its similar to the Anterior pelvic tilt.
-since then I have been consciously tucking my stomach in
-I continue to have symptoms such as hearing my muscles crack as I take
deep and conscious breaths
-I’ve made improvements such as bringing my home chair to apartment. doing
yoga daily
-its not a easy to cure condition though

Cornerstone Physiotherapy sessions:
June 18 – August 23rd (3 months), weekly appointments

August 23rd 2019:
-over the last few weeks the pain has built up
-even on Aug-Sept vacation it affected me badly first half of the trip
-factors: sitting at desk for too long, posture while sitting, walking posture,
breathing patterns while sleeping

Back pain – August 18

It’s time to face the facts. And come to admit something I’ve found hard to
accept, admit. The back pain is real. I’ve had it on and off for two years now.
Result of:
-bad posture
-lack of exercise
-stress build up

That should sum it up, but the truth is that its been far more than that.
Through this time, I’ve put countless hours into fixing, buying posture correctors,
back rests, etc.

It’s gotten bad I will avoid sitting down when eating.

Sometimes, I’ll discover a new exercise or new posture and think its’ the new solution.
But the fact is that it has impacted my life for 2 years now.

Back pain:
Started: August.04 2019

Next steps/plan:
Get exercise
Walk more
Play sports: basketball
Practise assigned exercises

February 2018 – June 2018
-seeing Alanna from Royal Physio Clinic every week

Diagnosis:
It’s called upper crossed syndrome and it’s the result of a combination of postural factors.

Exercises:
Wall angels
Rows with theraband
Pec doorway stretch
Cat cow

Recently, I have:
-meditation and stretches

Symptoms:
-pain with loading dishes in washer
-movements that combine stretch of arms and holding weight
-stretch: sweeping the floors

Notices:
-walking posture – upper body was ahead of lower body
-sitting posture: upright, elbows, comfort
-standing posture: used to lean on one side

Current tools:
-back straightener strap
-foam roller
-foam support
-foot stand (desk)