What I’m thankful for this thanksgiving:
Before the most recent black movement protests and killings of black people, I wasn’t aware. I didn’t realize how disadvantaged and exploited the black experience is. As an Asian male, I thought: “I know racism exists in the society, but that applies to all races and ethnicities, like my own.”
One thing I learned recently is how black men are scared of getting stopped by the police. And sometimes the only thing they want out of the situation is to “get out alive”. As a driver, after being pulled over by police, I never had to worry about “getting out alive”. It just seems an absurd idea, I didn’t believe it ’til I heard it the 3rd or 4th time, being described so vividly.
We hear about these experiences and then extrapolate them to situations we’ve witnessed, where a black person has been mishandled. The most infamous, recent example is George Floyd. The fact that the officers caught on video were so unapologetic, forceful in their actions was showing in itself. We have no choice but to accept the stories of the black people speaking out and to listen to their stories.
Below are a few podcast references that have helped shape my view. It’s not a complete list but it covers most bases.
I can look at it this way, or I can look at it that way
I can see it as an injury, or I can see it as a lesson to learn
I can see it as no girlfriend, or I can see it as an opportunity to find a companion
I can think of it as jobless, or I can think it as an awaiting opportunity
I can see it as being disabled, or I can see it as a posture I’m not comfortable with yet
I can see it as friends I’ve lost touch with, or the good memories we had together
I can think of the disagreements we had, or I can think of them of as lessons I need to learn
I can think of the disappointment she had in me, or I can think of the potential she saw in me
I can think of it as a wrong degree, or I can think of the sweat, blood, and tears I dedicated to earning it
I can think of it as failed work relationships, or I can think of them as lessons and experience to learn from
I can muck on about the past, or I can keep moving forward.
Hello, my name is Tofu. Here’s my take on COVID-19.
There’s been real positive changes that have occurred in my life since the beginning of the virus. Whether its having less chores on my plate or being around others I can spend time with, I’m grateful for the changes and want to continue moving forward.
Some of these changes include:
I’ve had more time to tend to the back, and as a result this has contributed to an improvement in my back pain 🙂
I was listening to a podcast the other day. I listened and realized deep parallels from my own experience. Let me take you back. This was during my university days. Reflecting back, I was embodying someone who I really wasn’t. And to make up for those times, I drank. When I drank I felt the calmness and that I could do anything. Without it, I was an act at most. Although I never thought of myself having a dependency on alcohol, it’s evident looking back. The various reasons I came up with – to drink. When friends were around, on a Saturday night. Soon after, I could find myself in a panic attack, having my heart race but having no idea why.
The answer, as Kunal explains in this podcast, is to look within yourself. That’s where the answer lies: Why am I panicking? What if I chose to abstain for one night – how would I react?
Podcast: ‘On Purpose’ featuring Kunal Nayyar
Relevant snippet: [17:00-20:30]
Let me set the scene. Me and friends are getting together for board games over this COVID-19 season. Playing the online board game Aaron modeled after the original, Dixit. A couple turns in, after I make an obvious blunder, people are asking questions. Mostly in third person. “Why would he do that?” followed by laughter… “I can’t believe he made that move”, more laughter. Brings back old memories. Old wounds resurfacing. You see, this would be a common occurrence when we played board games back when we lived together in school. Which was one of the reasons I didn’t play with them so often. The only difference this time around was.. it was a few years later and my reaction.
You see it’s also about communication and believing in yourself. The old me would have doubted myself and I would have quickly changed my mindset to follow their reaction/lead. But like I said, this time it was years later and I wasn’t having it. I boldly made the same move and left the audience dumbfounded. In the end it was a misunderstanding on my part of the game rules, and we were able to clear it up. My point is though.. It shows the trust and faith this group has in me. Which is more the reason I have to believe in myself, and another reason to take them all with a grain of salt. And don’t forget to communicate 😉
There was a time in my life where I was drowned in thoughts. Why this, why that, why why why?
It probably started in June 2017. Yes I had come back from my Europe Trip. Even a while during the trip, I was unusually unhappy. It felt weird and terrible obviously. Like there’s some feelings within me that I hadn’t told anyone yet. Yet I was on vacation. It was terrible timing, but whose fault was that? After a number of family members asked me to postpone the trip, I insisted this was the only suitable time.
So I was miserable on my trip and when I came back from the trip. The summer was so rough. I remember coming home, head was dizzy/tired, confused, filled with thoughts that I couldn’t organize or make sense of. It was sunny outside but I just wanted to go lie on my bed and let the time pass. Sleep. Think.
Part of it was: the realization that I wasn’t going on my abroad teaching trip, part was that I couldn’t make the amends to move out, another big part was that I was jealous of the relationships my friends had. How we had essentially been on the same ground just a few years back, how they had all adjusted in environments, and I felt stuck, not progressing.
What it did was spark a long and dark depression for me that summer. It lasted the entire summer and more. At this time, I remember just wanting to be alone. Either in my room, or on the transit where I wasn’t with anybody. I wanted to be in my own thoughts. And oddly enough, there was a lot to think about. So I thought. I contemplated my life’s actions up to that point. A deep reflection in my experiences. Mostly all the negatives. The actions I made, why I made them, why I had few girl friends in my life, what results came from those actions. And I blamed myself. For how I acted and lived my life before.
I also want to encourage those who are experiencing the feeling. I moved past it and you can too.
